Shut Up!

"Even fools are thought wise when they keep silent: with their mouths shut, they seem intelligent." - Proverbs 17:28

"...he who restrains his lips is wise." Proverb 10:19

     Here's a tip, unless you have a good reason to speak, keep your mouth shut. Saying the wrong thing can cause things to go very bad, very quickly. If you were to treat a conversation in general like a business or even chess or war, and do a risk/reward analysis, I think you would find that the more you talk, the more you increase the severity and likelihood of a downside event. You may also slightly increase your possible upside gains, but on the net I think more talk equals more risk.

     The reason more talking doesn't increase upside gain or likelihood is that people are basically self centered. They don't want vigorous debate or to hear the opinions of others. They just want people to agree with them. It makes them feel validated. This is why people like others who they perceive to be like themselves. If you say something someone agrees with, they'll say "This guy is like me. I like him." But you can get better results by letting them do the talking & agreeing with something they say and praising them for how smart they are. This avoids the downside risk of saying the wrong thing.

     Any clever statement, or keen insight you make will be given less credit than it deserves. Or if you're too charming or too intelligent, then it may make them insecure, which means they will like you less. 

     When you talk too much, you're also bound to say something stupid. In Robert Greene's excellent book The 48 Laws of Power (by using this link, you help support the site.), Law 38 states, "Think as you like, but behave like others." Probably the easiest way to violate this is by simply by talking too much. Many people have opinions that don't jive with that of the majority. Stating opinions that are too controversial or too outside the norm, is a quick way to be ostracized.

     Most people aren't enlightened beings seeking only truth. No, they are vain self centered pieces of meat going through life on autopilot. They don't like things that shake their assumptions. If you say something they disagree with, they may conclude that you're a idiot or they may subconsciously take your opinion as an attack on their beliefs.

     You're probably saying, "That's ridiculous. Nobody acts like that."

     Really? Have you ever seen a meaningless difference of opinion between good friends erupt into a physical assault? Ever see a happily married couple go from having a normal conversation to fighting about things that happened years ago? Have you ever made an innocent statement, only to have someone blow up on you? Have you ever done so yourself? I have.

     I have blown up and afterward thought, "What was that?"

     So you see, talking is risky business.

     But you can't be too quite or others will think you are unfriendly. This is a problem that I used to have when I was younger. I was too quiet. Everybody assumed that I was smart. They also assumed that I was unfriendly and pissed off all the time.

     Upon learning this, I tried to correct my behavior and became more talkative. But now I think that I went a little too far and talk too much. 

     In fact, I know that I talk too much & have said things that should have gone unsaid.

    So, how do we solve this problem of being terse, but not coming off as unfriendly?

     Well I think the answer can be found in Dale Carnegie's classic How to Win Friends and Influence People (Seriously, you need to read that book. Using this link helps support the site.)

In the book, Mr. Carnegie teaches that people will like more you if you seem to be interested in them. You show interest in them by asking questions and letting them do the majority of the talking.

     This is actually genius. Most people have a natural inclination to talk, especially about themselves. And they will talk as long as you let them. So simply by asking question you are able stay more or less silent while also endearing yourself to others. No risk of saying the wrong thing or seeming unintelligent, just stand there and let them do the work.

     This could have some very Machiavellian aspects to it, if you were so inclined. Just sit back and let people talk and talk and talk. The more they talk, the more they like you, the smarter you seem and the more information you are gathering about them. The more you understand them, the better you are able to manipulate them help them see your point of view.

     This would mean that if there is someone you dislike (maybe you could call them your enemy), maybe the best course of action would be to listen to them just like you would do with a friend. I'm not suggesting you be two faced or bad mouth them behind their back. That's the kind of talk that would backfire on you, and your reputation would suffer. I'm just thinking that if maybe your enemy doesn't know that he's your enemy, then I can't see any reason why you would be obligated to tell him. And if any circumstance arose where it was necessary to act against him, then he's given you the ammo to use. And you've given him nothing.

     It's probably also occurred to some of you that you could also possibly blackmail your enemy with information you've gained. First, I'm pretty sure that would be illegal, and thus ill advised. Second, I don't think blackmail would work without tangible evidence like photos, video or audio recording. Without tangible evidence anything you say can simply be denied. Third if you were to blackmail them while they were still unaware of the animus you have for them, they would go from being neutral toward you to being an obstacle. You would be better off using the insights you gain about their psychology to persuade them than to set them against you when you don't need to.

     So I started off with quotes from the Bible and ended with a Machiavellian type analysis. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Machiavelli would approve, but I'm not so convinced that the All Mighty would.

     Catch you guys next time.